After all, if something ever happened to it, the backstage work would have ground to a halt. He and I would have sex regularly, and the "Axel" of the band suggested we have a threesome sometime. And like Bill Clinton, Kid Rock likes cigars…and not just for smoking!
I was hurt about not getting the backstage pass he had promised that's all. Friend of a friend hooked up with Russell Brand a couple of years ago after one of his standup shows in London. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey had a playlist like that, only theirs was nothing but a loop of Carey's song about how real heroes never go soft halfway through. He was super nice. Security bros approach my friend let's call her Mel and say "Justin wants you to come with us". I was super chill and laid back and maybe it caught him off guard that I wasn't freaking out or all emotional about being him. Let's just say Cynthia broke the mold, and apparently Jimi Hendrix's "midnight lightning. A friend slept with skrillex. He wasn't really a creep. He messaged back his phone number and said call him and we arranged to meet up and go to the movies. Or watching another singer have the world's least passionate threesome with his girlfriend and another woman? So imagine having to punch in five times a day, waiting for Manson to squeeze out of seven layers of latex, and then stumbling around in the dark, knowing that if you accidentally make his underoos slip off, the whole carnival starts all over again. He and I would have sex regularly, and the "Axel" of the band suggested we have a threesome sometime. Nooooooo, not Bieber, she said sarcastically. Makes sense, it's really hard to find black silk in total darkness. It was in the Myspace years. And he was so different from how I'd imagined. He said he'd give me backstage passes for the show the next night. Kinda hoping she didn't bang any of them since she was probably 17 at the time Very bureaucratic, it turns out. In honor of this past Sunday's "National Go Topless Day," here's a shout out to the muses that bared all for the music they loved, and the songs they inspired. I asked at the office for the pass next day, and they said they had nothing with my name on it. And your mom told me. Not because he thrives in darkness and shit, mind, but because he's really shy. But everywhere else, women would rejoice at no longer being herded into Roth's fuck pen by his sound-checking border collies, and men would rejoice for never having to hear "Jump" again. On the backs of their reputations as barnstorming hooligans, these bands were offered starring spots in the soon-to-be-bestselling series Backstage Sluts, wherein famous rockers recount their wildest sexual moments -- which totally happened, bro -- while actual porn stars acted them out.
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GROUPIES ON TOUR! (6.15.14 - Day 1872)
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